We had spend a lot of time talking about the future, our lives together, with each other, our boys, and what that future may look like. I had seen her walking around school once or twice before as I dropped my son off every morning and she never paid much attention to me. We had met up officially at a reunion and it became clear she was the one. As we dated, we grew closer and closer, she fell in love with me…. Ok I fell in love first but only after she told me ‘No’ a million times when I asked her for a coffee date. We talked about marriage and how our two homes would become one. We were really like to HS sweet hearts falling in love.
About 8 months ago I was talking to her on the phone, when it occurred to me that she was ‘late’. Now I knew she was on Birth control and I asked her about it and she said has always been a bit irregular and this was nothing unusual. Brushing that aside I jokingly spent the next several weeks making fun of her and assuring her she was pregnant every chance I got. I did this to annoy her and every time she told me to knock it off and laughed with that wonderful smile that I have grown to love so much.
It was Sunday morning and as usual I got up, did a few things, and tried to let her sleep in. I snuck back in and gave her a little nudge told her I loved her and that I was off to get her coffee. She looked up and said “you know that thing you have been talking about?” Now keep in my mind I talk a lot and I joke a lot so I nodded my head like I knew what she was talking about as she said “I think its true”. Now I feel like an idiot because I have just acknowledged that I knew what she was talking about and now what ever it is ‘I’ was talking about is apparently true.
Decisions and actions including but not limited to acknowledging your GF when you don’t know what she is talking about, creates circumstances, usually referred to as consequences. In my life I have had many consequences both good and bad as a result of decisions I made. Sometimes they have been very good consequences. My son was an accident, but it has been the best time of my life. I have struggled but looking back at every struggle the end result was an amazing outcome.
That Sunday morning when I got back from getting coffee and that Box from the grocery store that cost $19.99, I found myself wondering what ‘if’. By the way those Tests suck, she peed on the first one and it was defective, it did not change. The 2nd one after many tears turned to a big + sign. But being who I am I wanted to make sure so I convinced her to go pee again.
I have not blogged in a while and have debated this particular one with myself over and over. The decisions we had to make were heart wrenching and so emotionally charged that I can honestly say we both broke. We have both always said and demonstrated we were pro-life. Of course when you are on 2 forms of Birth Control and 40 years old you believe you will never be ‘called’ on what you believe.
We spent weeks discussing what to do, and we both were having second thoughts about decisions made the day before only to make new ones and then second guess the new decisions. The drive lasted only about an hour but it seemed like a lifetime full of finger pointing, hurt feelings, and anger. The building looked like a prison, surrounded in a dark sheet with razor wire across the top. With no clear indication where the entrance was we pulled over, on one side of the building. The anger and hurt filled the air as we got out, the hurt in both of our eyes beckoning the other to listen.
It’s been 9 months or according to her a lifetime and I am very proud, excited, and nervous about the decision we made. I think tomorrow or at least in the next 2 days we will be holding our new little son and I would not second guess or change this decision for anything or anyone. Happy Birthday son!
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